» A helping hand with Samuel Pepys
Rogues Gallery Needs YOU!
Subscribe to Rogues Gallery on YouTube

Click Here to Subscribe

Tweets of a Roaring Boy
Join the Rogues Gallery

Enter your email address for booze, sex and bad behaviour.

RSS (Rotten Sounding Scoundrels)

RSS Feed

5 − = null
Submit Clear
Libertines, Lotharios or Bastards?

A helping hand with Samuel Pepys

A helping hand with Samuel Pepys
Samuel Pepys 1633-1703

Dear Diary

Dec 1666,

Samuel Pepys can’t stop masturbating in church.

He knows it’s wrong, but if the sermon’s going on a bit and he’s sat in a pew at the back his mind starts to wander and his hands lose control.

This time, its Betty’s fault.

There he was, enjoying the Queens Mass at High Chapel, minding his own business, when he suddenly started thinking about Betty Mitchell.

She’s the heavily pregnant wife of one of his friends; Pepys and his wife dine with them often. What he’d actually like to do though is cut into the crust of a venison pie and, hidden in the clouds of aromatic steam. tear off her………


Afterwards, in his diary Pepys is suitably contrite “God Forgive Me” he writes, but secretly he’s trying to work out how he can make his daydream a reality, without his wife finding out.

Nell-Gwyn-portrait-007 Whatever you do Mr Peyps don’t think about Nell Gwynne during evensong.

By the New Year he’s managed some progress. He is after all a man of power and influence, Clerk of the Acts to the Navy Board no less. He drops a few not too subtle hints about how much help he can be to the Mitchell’s if they stay on his right side. Betty gets the message and doesn’t call for The Watch when, following a couples night out ,Pepys shoves her hand down his breeches in the river boat home.

Betty’s begrudging hand relief  inflames Pepys to such a degree that he takes spectacular risks.

It’s February 1667 and Pepys has taken his wife and Betty to see a play “The Chances”. To be honest, he wasn’t particularly keen to go but as it turns out it’s not that bad. There are some catchy songs and when the view on stage becomes boring some attractive women to look at in the audience. Pepys is especially taken with “Lady Castlemayne” (even though he considers her a whore) and “Mrs Middleton”, who he thinks has “A very excellent face and body”.

17th_Cent_France A fashionable couple in 1666. The husband seems a trifle distracted.

Afterwards, he takes the two ladies for a little shopping. His wife Elizabeth is treated to nothing at all (he had taken her to the theatre after all) he does however buy Betty some gloves and a dressing box.

They take a coach back to the Pepys’ house on Seething Lane, bumping over the burnt out ruins of last year’s “Great Fire”.

Pepys is sitting next to his wife who is dozing with the rhythmic motion of the vehicle. The bouncing is giving her husband more saucy ideas.

Shifting in his seat, Pepys complains that one of his testicles has become inexplicably bruised and the journey is becoming uncomfortable. He asks Elizabeth if he can swap places with her to ease the pain in his battered scrotum. She agrees and Pepys manoeuvres himself between his wife and Betty.

Fiacre If the coach is rockin don’t come knockin.

As the darkened coach continues its journey Betty’s reluctant but busy fingers get to work beneath Pepys cloak. Hardly daring to breathe and knowing he will feel terrible about it in the morning, he wills his wife to stay asleep. This is how to travel.

It’s little wonder he gives up writing his famous journal two years later because of failing eyesight.

wife If the wife ever finds out


Print Friendly, PDF & Email