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Libertines, Lotharios or Bastards?

Boyars Keep Swinging

Boyars Keep Swinging
Catherine II of Russia 1729 - 1796

"A little bit of what you fancy does you good"

St Petersburg 1786

Catherine the second of Russia has been so successful in ruling her vast country that she has become known as Catherine the Great.”

She is intelligent, powerful and forward thinking – a patron of the arts and supporter of education she has emerged victorious from several determined coups to overthrow her.

And she likes cock…lots of cock.

This doesn’t bother Catherine at all, she’s doing a good job and having a fantastic time.

For the rest of the male crowned heads of Europe however, the idea of a woman behaving with just the same sort of lascivious glee as they do – while successfully ruling a bigger country than them, is simply outrageous.

"We're not jealous...not at all" “We’re not jealous…not at all”

Catherine doesn’t mind however, because she’s relaxing in her boudoir gazing wistfully at the portraits of previous lovers that decorate the walls alongside works of erotic art.

She’s also wondering what to add to the collection of sensuous artefacts she keeps in her “special cabinet.”  – something from a brothel in Pompeii perhaps?

Her mind drifts back to how it all began when as a member of minor Prussian nobility by the name of Sophie von Anhalt-Zerbst she came to Russia to marry its soon to be emperor, Peter the third.

"This really is tightest foreskin i have ever seen your majesty" “This really is the tightest foreskin I have ever seen, your majesty”

Unfortunately, Peter had a restrictively tight foreskin that made getting aroused very painful so he spent the first seven years of their marriage playing with toy soldiers and his dogs while saying he had a headache.

When the Emperors mother finally allowed her to take a lover, she jumped at the chance – The plan was that Catherine (she’d changed her name by then) would fall pregnant and everyone would think it was the impotent emperor Peter’s.

The man chosen for the job was Gregory Orlov, a decorated soldier with “impressive equipment and an insatiable stamina for sex.”

Catherine was happy because she discovered a hitherto unrealised appreciation of well hung military men and Paul was happy because he had a son and heir.

"I do love a man in uniform" “I do love a man in uniform”

In fact, he was so happy that he underwent circumcision in order to be able to have sex with his wife himself.

Unfortunately -again- for Peter, no sooner had he got his troublesome foreskin sorted out, he was murdered in a coup led by none other than Gregory Orlov.

Catherine was now in sole charge and as a way of kicking back from her arduous regal duties, decided to expand her new found hobby.

She sometimes took several lovers at once receiving each in a special curtained off section of her bedroom which she had furnished with bespoke tables that had wooden penises for legs – Chippendale would have had a fit.

"For the last time I'm not chiselling any more cocks on the bookcase" “For the last time I’m not chiselling any more cocks on the bookcase”

The routine was the same, Catherine would lustfully select one of her vre men shchiki, or “men of the moment” and their background would be carefully vetted before they were examined by a court physician.

Once confirmed disease free, they were interviewed by Countess Praskovya Bruce who gave them strict instructions about what Catherine liked and didn’t like between the sheets, while reminding them that they were to be ready and available for love at all times of the day or night.

Bruce then took the men for a quick gallop herself just to make sure they met with the Empress’s exacting standards.

If they were up to snuff, the lucky gent was led to his own suite of rooms with a complementary gift of 100,000 roubles before being presented to the Empress.

Lovers could remain in Catherine’s life for months or years and she was usually very generous towards them once their relationship ended – She helped Stanislaw Poniatowski become king of Poland.

"Now THAT'S a museum piece" “Now THAT’S a museum piece”

Orlov remained a firm favourite until he seduced his teenage cousin then Gregory Potemkin – a one eyed, long haired, bull of a man got the golden key. Catherine had a plaster cast made of his hui which she is supposed to have donated to the Hermitage Museum.

Countess Bruce ultimately lost the royal favour when she gave a young lover of Catherine’s by the name of Rimsky-Korsakov some extra lessons in her own time.

None of Catherine’s fun with her many lovers had any impact on her ability to rule her vast country, in fact she told Potemkin that without a viral young man in her bed she couldn’t do her job properly.

The celibate Frederick the Great of Prussia was not impressed and wrote “in feminine government, the cunt has more influence than a firm policy guided by straight reason.”

Catherine was probably too busy having an orgasm while turning Russia into one of Europe’s Great Powers, to give a damm what he thought….“ypa


"I do hope no one makes up a story about my dying while trying to fuck one of these" “I do hope no one makes up a story about my dying while trying to fuck one of these”

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