» I Was a Teenage Pope
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Libertines, Lotharios or Bastards?

I Was a Teenage Pope

I Was a Teenage Pope
Pope John XII 937-964

Smells Like Teen Spirit

Lateran Palace, Rome 964 AD

Pope John XII thinks it’s just not fair; all he was doing was having sex with another man’s wife.

God’s representative on Earth hadn’t even shot his bolt when the furious husband burst in unexpectedly and gave him a proper kicking. What happened to respecting the Papal Office?

Now he’s lying on his deathbed with a serious head injury, there’s a German army marching to depose him and he’ll never get to bully that pretty serving girl into sucking him off.

It’s just not fair.

Some dried up old greybeard would probably say he had too much too soon, but 18 is well old enough to be appointed head of the Catholic Church and most powerful man in the world. John just wanted to have a little fun at work, that’s all.

His father was ruler of Rome and had named his son Octavian because he wanted him to be like the legendary emperors of his cities golden age.

Like any ambitious parent, as he lay dying and knowing that his son would inherit the vast power of The Eternal City, dad forced his nobles to promise they would also elect the lad as Pope when the current one breathed his last.

Within a year, young Octavian was both Emperor and Pope and had also changed his name to “John”, because he could.

In fact as Pope/Emperor he could do anything he wanted and no one could say “no”.

It was great, he ordained a deacon in a stable because he liked horses, made a ten year old boy the bishop of Todi for a laugh, castrated a boring cardinal who told him to grow up, and then had him killed (he won’t do that again!), had sex with his niece and his sisters, oh, and finally (this was really shocking) called out to Pagan gods to help him win when he was playing dice with his mates. (By Jove)

The party lasted for three years until Northern Italy gained a new king, Berengar who along with his unpleasant son decided he wanted Rome for himself and threatened the city.

" Bugger off Berenger, I'm the Pope" ” Bugger off Berengar, I’m the Pope”

Berengar was a brutal, nasty bastard who was no fun at all, but scared that the Roman mob might prefer strength to harmless Tom Foolery, John ran off to ask someone bigger for help.

Otto, the king of the Germans was huge.

He agreed to chase Berengar away if he was made Holy Roman Emperor and of course John said “Yes,” it was only a silly title after all. True to his word Otto turned up with a big proper army of soldiers and Berenger’s men ran for their lives. Then he marched through Rome to receive his appointment.

As far as Romans were concerned Germans were the barbarians who had sacked their city and destroyed their empire. So the mob weren’t too happy about a load of them strutting through the streets and their leader being made into the world’s most important catholic monarch. They should have chilled out; I mean that “sacking” stuff was, like years ago.

Everything went smoothly and Otto even donated a vast fortune in gold to the Papal coffers which meant more fun money for John. He only asked that the Pope never have anything to do with Berengar ever again. John did his best serious face and said “Of Course.”

"I'm Holy Roman Emperor and I'm very important..are you listening John?" “I’m Holy Roman Emperor and I’m very important..are you listening John?”

When Otto had gone back to Germany, someone told John just how powerful the position of Holy Roman Emperor actually was. “Bloody Hell” said John and dashed off a letter to Berengar saying it had all been an awful misunderstanding and “We really must do something about that terrible German.”

With the crisis over, fun loving John turned the most holy Lateran Place into a brothel, made his aunt pregnant (she died in childbirth, which was lucky) and started to rape any woman who came within ten feet of him in order to pray. Shockingly he also let the palace roofs fall into a dreadful state of disrepair.

"Hello Auntie" “Hello Auntie”

He did have a tender side; and generously gave a very attractive but totally unqualified soldiers widow total control of several entire cities just so she would sleep with him.

From Germany, The Holy Roman Emperor tried to provide an older guiding hand, and mentor the lad in the responsibilities of being Pope… .“BORING”.

John told Otto to shove it and to give back all of the lands he had just been granted so the furious German gathered his army (again) and marched back on Rome.

A totally surprised John decided that the most mature and responsible response was to run away to Tivoli and take all of the cities treasure with him, so he did.

Finding Rome Pope-less Otto decided to ask the synod to appoint another one who was more respectable and less mad, in a letter of reply they agreed.

“We marvel that your most holy prudence wants us to recount this, which is hidden from the inhabitants of neither Spain nor Babylon nor India. John is not one of those ‘who come in the clothing of sheep, but inwardly are ravening wolves.’ He rages so openly, he carries on the devil’s business so publicly, that he uses no roundabout methods.”

The case they constructed against John was just so unfair, they were jealous that’s all.

They said he was a pyromaniac (Fires are fun)

They said he was a drunk (Drinking is fun)

"Chug,Chug" “Chug,Chug Your Holiness”

They said he did not celebrate mass or make the sign of the cross (All that Christian stuff is dull)

They he wore armour, carried a sword and was needlessly violent (Being “manly” attracts the ladies)

They said he had sex indiscriminately and consorted with prostitutes (So what?)

They said he blinded Benedict, his confessor and spiritual advisor who then died of his injuries (….Fair Enough)

"Hey Benedict, isn't this fun?" “Hey Benedict, isn’t this fun?”

When they put this to John, he wasn’t there because he’d gone out hunting, but when he got back, he had a big think and wrote his own reply.

 “We heard it said that you want to make another pope. If you do this I excommunicate you through God almighty, so that you may not have the faculty of ordaining no one and celebrating the mass.”

Apparently they all laughed and said he couldn’t even write properly.

With his deposing imminent, John desperately announced he would give the treasure of St Peter to whoever in Rome killed Otto. Several days later, Johns former ally found himself chased through the streets by a gold hungry mob, dodging fiendish attempts on his life at every street corner. His loyal soldiers helpfully butchered hundreds of the rioters but Otto wasn’t going to stay where he so obviously wasn’t wanted and went home to Germany.

Pope John XII was back, but the streets were in a terrible mess.

On his return, John thanked his many mistresses for their love and support and cut the nose, tongue and fingers off any clergyman who had supported his rival.

For three months it was business as usual and everything was sweet.

Then a smack in the head for nobbing some bloke’s wife and it’s all over.

It’s just not fair; he was only having some fun. He never wanted the job anyway, it was boring and the robes looked stupid.

Lying in his bed, as a final act of mature defiance Pope John XII refused to take the last rites.

Nobody cared.


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