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Libertines, Lotharios or Bastards?

Its Long, And So Is My Beard.

Its Long, And So Is My Beard.
Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin 1869-1916

The Mad Monk gets carried away

March 1915

Grigory Efimovich Rasputin opens one bleary eye and groans, “Я показал всем моем пенисе”.

Forcing open the other, he realises that he is in possession of a truly spectacular hangover and appears to be locked in a police cell.

“What the hell did I do last night?”

It started out so well, Rasputin, a 76 year old widow named Anisya Reshentnikova, a young woman and a male journalist had spent the evening drinking convivially at the widow’s house. As the night wore on, they decided to take themselves into Moscow and visit a well known gypsy restaurant on Kuznetsky Most, called “Yar

The restaurant is particularly well known for the beautiful women of its Sokolovsky gypsy choir. It’s inevitable, at least to Rasputin that they’d be falling over each other to sleep with the irresistible mystic monk.

Grigory is proud to be a peasant. Grigory is proud to be a peasant.

Since he’d been seduced at the age of 14 (so he says) by some girls in his home village of Prokovskoe, Rasputin has had an almost supernatural way with the ladies. He’s a prophet, a healer and a giver of knowledge who has moved from small time fame in Siberia to national phenomenon in St Petersburg. Royalty have loved him for a decade and following his miraculous treatment of the young Tsarevitch Alexei’s haemophilia in 1912 he can do no wrong.  Some aristocrats think that a smelly peasant having so much influence over the Russian crown is a bad thing, others (mostly women) think it’s wonderful, the man himself likes dancing.

Rasputin and his friends drunkenly burst into Yar and loudly secure themselves a private second floor room. Food is gorged, drink flows, dances are danced and the gypsy choir sings. Rasputin decides to give his “broad peasant nature” full reign and let his long hair down.

He starts off by writing dirty notes to the choir girls such as “Love Unselfishly” accompanied by a wink and a leer.  This is the man who despite looking like a vagrant dipped in horse hair, once had a formally sophisticated and respectable suburbanite  called Olga Lokhtina clinging onto his penis in public shouting “’I am your ewe, and you are Christ” while he beat her around the head and face. He’s not used to rejection.

Smooth Smooth

This is a shame, because as he moves from note writing to groping he finds his roaming hands violently rebuffed by every girl in the place. Furious at the impertinence, he swigs more vodka and become incandescent with rage.

Usually Rasputin’s obnoxiousness has the women swooning. High born Russian ladies seem to like being humiliated by a gobby scarecrow. “Are you married?”, “Where is your husband?” “Why did you come alone?” he asks, brazenly, staring at them with his piercing grey eyes.  He always eats with his unwashed fingers and will often offer them to women to lick clean “Humble yourself” he grins, and they do, gladly.

"Lick my fingers" The old Rasputin charm works its magic. “Lick my fingers” The old Rasputin charm works its magic.

Gypsy girls however are made of stronger stuff and Rasputin starts to make a scene.

“I can do anything” he shouts “See this belt? It’s her majesties own work”. He starts to pump his hips furiously “I could make the old girl dance like this if I wished”  Deciding that loudly simulating sex with the tsarina in a public place is her cue to leave, Anisya Reshentnikova calls for the bill.

It’s a wise move as other patrons are now asking if this loud, boorish letch really is the famous holy man Rasputin.

To confirm his identity Rasputin leaps onto their table, opens the front of his trousers and waves his pendulous genitals in their astonished faces.  It’s reputed that Rasputin’s penis is 13 inches long although no one feels like asking for a tape measure tonight.  One woman claims that the first time she slept with him her orgasm was so powerful she fainted. Rasputin himself attributes his sexual stamina to a particular recipe of codfish soup. One of his alleged gay lovers says the location of a particularly large penile wart is the secret of his orgasmic success.

Whatever the reason, no one wants to see it while they are eating borscht and listening to the balalaika. Downstairs a British gentleman by the name of Bruce Lockhart hears “Wild shrieks of women, a man’s curses, broken glass and banging doors.”

As waiters scurry between diners apologising profusely the police are called.

Standing on a table with his Khuy in his hand Rasputin doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong.

He is thought to be part of a religious group known as the Khlysty who believe that only after sinning can man truly repent and discover God. This is why they piously engage in whipping each other and having group sex in church crypts after lights out. He certainly thinks that the greater the sinning, the greater the repentance and ultimately the greater the holiness, which is a wonderfully convenient way to be a man of God and have lots of fun at the same time.

The more you sin the holier you become...brilliant! The more you sin the holier you become…brilliant!

By now Col Semenov of the Moscow police is on the scene and he’s not sure what to do. On the one hand a scruffy, drunken pervert is bellowing filth, exposing himself and propositioning anyone in a skirt. On the other hand it’s the most famous man in Russia and a favourite of the Tsar. At 2.30am he finally makes a decision and arrests Rasputin. The holy man is led away “snarling and vowing vengeance”.

Sat in his police cell the next morning Rasputin is just thinking that what he really needs is a shot of vodka and a prostitute when a police officer enters to tell him he is being released on orders emanating from “the highest level”. He might call her “The old girl” and hint that they are having an affair but the Tsarina Alexandra won’t hear a bad word said about him.

That afternoon he boards the train for Petrograd, a crowd of over excited women crowding the platform and waving at his departure.

 "Do svidaniya ladies" “Do svidaniya ladies”

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